The Hills Recap

HANGING IN THE HILLS

I've finally caught up with The Hills. This all anyone needs to know about the show up until the present:

• Spencer must be vying for the world's biggest douche award

• Heidi looks like she's made out of rubber

• Heidi's sister came to visit, which really pissed Spencer off

• Lauren and Stephanie are still buddies

• Stephanie had a birthday blow-out and invited Lauren. Spencer and Heidi showed up unexpectedly
  

• Spencer has disowned Stephanie

• My Sweet Audrina has befriended a bunch of musician-types from Epic Records who apparently dissed Lo at Audrina's bday party

• Lo is EVIL

• The Hills is edited more than Heidi's face - chop chop chop

• Heidi wants to hang with Stephanie and Lauren

• Whitney is now bi-coastal, living in NYC and LA, working for Kelly Cutrone

• Whitney is falling for one of the male models she meets in NYC. He's from California

• Whitney definitely needs her own show. Her life is so much more interesting than any of the other people's on the show

• Lauren is bored with boring-ass Doug and breaks it off

The Hills

SLOW MO TO FASHION GLOW!

Last night's episode of The Hills reminded me again of how much I love watching Whitney and Lauren work for the fashion industry and how much I detest watching Heidi and Spencer bitch about their boring relationship.

Lauren and Whitney worked a fashion show at L.A. Fashion Week while Amanda Priestly, I mean Kelly Cutrone, barked orders at them. She instructed them to round up anyone "tall with her hair done" to the runway. She said something like "act like a sheep-herding dog." Lauren did such a great job at her temp stint that Kelly offered her a job with People's Republic, saying, "You've gone from slow-mo to fashion glow!" Bye Bye Teen Vogue.


Will LC be able to withstand the talons of Kelly Cutrone? Earlier in the episode, it was obvious that KC was trying to shock someone when she asked a model who stood off camera, "How old are you?" and the girl answered what sounded like "Fifteen" and then Kelly said, "You look great in that lingerie."

As all of this was going on, Audrina was caught in a tug-of-war between Heidi and Lauren and looks like a deer caught in the headlights. From the looks of next week's preview, dickhead Justin Bobby shows up to woo Audrina back. Oh what timing as it's been reported that said dickhead is now a model working for men's label, Orthodox.

THE HILLS: HELLO DRAMA

I'm not going to go over a blow-by-blow of what happened on the double helping of The Hills last night, but I will make a list of things that stood out:

• I wanted to see what Lo gave Lauren for her birthday. Lauren obviously loved it, saying, "oh, it's so pretty" but the camera never panned down to focus on it.
  

• Spencer Pratt proved that he's the biggest douche bag in television history, possibly in history in general.
  

• What was that big, ugly piece of shit belonging to Spencer that Stephanie wanted out of her apartment?

I can't believe I'm related to that douche bag

• Kelly Cutrone's (Whitney's boss) list of rules for LA Fashion Week were hilarious. Definitely very Amanda Priestly:

1) Any concepts of 9-5 LA not happening here. I would plan to be here ever night until at least 11:00 0'clock
2) You're going to wear all black
3) I don't want to see I your boobs
4) I don't want to see any piercings
5) If you have any tattoos, I don't really care. I don't want to see them
6) Do not roll your eyes at me
7) Do not question what it is we are asking you to do
8) I'm not here to be your friend
9) Emily, you're not here to be their friend
10) We really care about ourselves more.

• Lauren said working under Kelly Cutrone at People's Republic would be her dream job.

All black is the strict dress code at People's Republic

• I LOVED Whitney's pale blue nail polish in the second episode.

• Why are Lauren and Stephanie always whispering in their computer class? They do have television cameras trained on them, after all.
  

• If I have to see Spencer give the fake "thumbs-up" one more time, I'm going to barf.

• I really wish Audrina would get a personality. Her eyes are dead a lot of the time.
  

• Whitney is da bomb.

• Heidi needs to be slapped. . . hard.

• I loved that song "Hello Drama" by Kaila Yu that they played in the middle of the second episode.
  

THE HILLS HAVE LIPS

Last night MTV ran two episodes of The Hills back-to-back. For the sake of this post, I'll just treat it like one hour-long show. Even though the commercials made it look like the episodes were going to be laden with Heidi and Spencer, they graciously gave us Lauren and Whitney time.

Whitney gave her resignation at Teen Vogue and got a job with fashion PR firm, People's Revolution. Her prickly boss and founder of People's Revolution, Kelly Cutrone, told her she was making a deal with the devil because they basically owned her now (another Devil Wears Prada inspired bit). Whitney was then flown out to New York for Fashion Week where she worked a show for Sass and Bide. In true Whitney style, she proved to her boss that she can work the runway from behind the scenes like any seasoned stylist.

I'm on The Hills because why?

Back in LA, Lauren settled into life after Paris. She and Audrina headed over to Les Deaux where they ran into BORING BRODY. The two had a nasty yelling match over his new girlfriend and he stormed out. Whatever. Why does she choose such snooze-worthy guys to fall for?

Sorry Brody, were you saying something? zzzzzzzz...

At school, Lauren found herself in a computer class with Spencer's sister, Stephanie. SNAP! Both girls eyed each other nervously from behind their desks while simultaneously texting their friends: Can you like believe who's in my class?

Eventually, Stephanie broke the ice and apologized to Lauren for needlessly attacking her last season. It would have been really funny if she said it that way: "Lauren, I'm really sorry for attacking you last season on The Hills." Anyway, Lauren amicably accepted the apology. It only took a few more classes and the girls were hanging out. This had to be TOP SECRET info, however. Spencer and Heidi couldn't know about any of it due to their high maturity levels.

Ugh

The only part of the Heidi/Spencer drama worth watching last night was Heidi's pout-a-pollooza. After Spencer came over to the apartment they had formerly shared and left with all his stuff, Heidi sat at the breakfast bar pouting for what seemed like a full two minutes. She really worked the results of her recent extreme makeover, employing her collagen-doused labials like she was posing for a photo shoot. I think she gave Hunter Tylo some serious competition in the process.

While looking for photos of the episode, I found that Entertainment Weekly also made mention of Heidi's pouting session, so it wasn't just me who found the whole thing a little staged and over-the-top. Did I say a little? Anyway, they do a much better job of observing:

The new look does make those moments in the show when she and Spencer are fighting more believable. Take for instance the scene in which Spencer moved out. ''I'm gonna miss you,'' she said before he gave her a mature thumbs up and retorted, ''Enjoy your space.'' I think her dreary facial expression in this scene really added some emotion.

Heidi contemplates her future Emmy.

Let me say that I used to like Heidi. I remember thinking that Lauren was hard on her about the whole Spencer thing. I used to feel sorry for her. I FELT for her character. Heidi, why all the bad acting all of the sudden? I'm not saying that you were ever going to get any any Emmy nods, but come on! Now your new appearance reflects your new(ish) personality.

On an interesting side note, Whitney Port was recently quoted in New York Magazine as saying: "I don't really know how to justify watching The Hills, to be honest."
I knew I loved this girl for a reason, even though I happen to, ahem, watch The Hills.

RUN FOR THE HILLS

My favorite unreality show, The Hills, premiered the second half of its third season last night. Lauren and Whitney went to Paris for Teen Vogue to help out with the Crillon Ball.

While there, Lauren got a call from Audrina telling her that boring Brody was out with another girl. In retaliation, she and Whitney hit a club with a band called Rock and Roll and flirted it up. Gorgeous guitarist, Matthias, had it for Lauren. He made eyes at her from where he slouched across the table while smoking his cigarette in a very French manner. He then leaned over and asked her, "Lauren, have you ever been to the Eiffel Tower?" Cut to the girls and the band popping open a bottle of champagne beneath the tower. No cliche' staging there, of course.


Later back at the hotel, Lauren learned that she had burned her Alberta Ferretti gown with her curling iron. Crisis! Luckily she got another dress for the ball just in the nick of time. Once there, uptight Kimball, the senior editor of Teen Vogue, questioned Whitney's interest in working for the magazine. This prompted her to fess up that she wants to deal with fashion in a more direct manner as a stylist.

As Lauren was leaving the ball, her French prince, Matthias appeared, begging her to let him show her Paris at night. Instead of a stagecoach, he turned up in a Vespa and they took a turn around the city of lights. Aww, c'est l'amour. Actually, it turns out that Matthias is married in real life. You can check out his myspace page here (guess the producers need to be a little more careful about who they fix the girls up with) Overall, I think this episode was a little too obviously influenced by The Devil Wears Prada.

Meanwhile, back in the US, boring assholes, Heidi and Spencer, argued more about ... oh who cares. I can't stand them. I just want the whole show to revolve around Lauren and Whitney in Paris working on their fashion careers.